Brain cell watch: Cable star is dumber than lice!

TUESDAY, MAY 10, 2016

As proven by PPP poll: Last night, a certain major cable news star was destroying our brain cells again.

Exclusively, she had gotten her paws on a brand new PPP poll. Right at the start of her "cable news" program, hilarity ensued:

MAJOR CABLE STAR (5/9/16): I have to assure you that not only is this national polling new, I have to also assure you, you'll understand why in just a second, but I have to assure you that it's real. This is not an elaborate joke, like a big misdirection story I'm telling at the top of the A block and it turns out to be an April Fool or whatever. This is real.

I'm not making this up to entertain you, even though I'm sometimes tempted to do things like that. This is real.

["I I I I I I I," the analysts mockingly said.]

OK. New national polling from PPP finds that, by a considerable margin, the Republican Party's presumptive nominee for president, Donald Trump, is less popular than lice.

Question 23 from the poll, and I quote: "What do you have a higher opinion of, Donald Trump or lice?"

The proportion of Americans who say they have a higher opinion of Donald Trump is 28 percent. The proportion of Americans who say they have a higher opinion of lice when compared to Donald Trump, 54 percent. So Donald Trump is losing to lice by 26 points.

And it turns out it's not just lice giving Donald Trump a run for his money. Not to nitpick–ha ha!–but this new national polling also finds that he's viewed less favorably than just not lice, but also traffic jams, used car salesmen, hipsters, the DMV, jury duty, the band Nickelback and also root canals.

The major star continued this way for a while, reporting the gender gap that results when you poll Trump against lice. In fairness, she admitted that Trump had proven more popular than hemorrhoids or cockroaches in the new PPP poll.

Before long, she even pretended to be in the grip of uncontrollable laughter! The major star was earning her keep. Let her entertain you:

MAJOR CABLE STAR: Now, there are limits as to how far this kind of information gets you in an election year. I mean, bottom line, hemorrhoids are not going to be on the ballot in November. So we don't have to do complex gender-specific turnout modeling to figure out how this particular gender gap is going to play to figure out if we are going to get hemorrhoids elected president in the fall. But—

(FEIGNS UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry. But this new national polling—

I'm sorry, I'm eight! I've always wanted to be more than eight years old. I stopped developing at that age.

The major star showed how humble she is, admitting that she "stopped developing at" the age of eight.

"Actually, we've noticed that," the analysts angrily cried.

This is the way the major star began last evening's TV show. Like you, we had an obvious question:

How well did Candidate Clinton poll when compared to lice?

Today, PPP has released its important new poll, and it's just as you might have guessed. PPP didn't ask those hilarious questions about Candidates Clinton or Sanders. You see, PPP is building its brand by playing the fool and being a clown, just like the major star does.

Brain cells were dying as the star shared those exclusive numbers. As those brain cells were dying, PPP reported that Candidate Trump is running disturbingly well against Candidate Clinton.

On the bright side, the major star got a chance to clown and to pretend that she's eight. She was "earning" the $7 million she gets paid by her corporate owners.