THE WAY WE ARE: Romney rescues the drowning dog!

SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2012

Epilogue—Disfavored stories: We liberals have been drawn to the story of Mitt Romney’s dog on the roof of the car.

We liberals enjoy this story so much that we have even invented a set of bogus facts about it. Just last week, Gail Collins wrote that Seamus, the mistreated Irish setter, was stuck “in a cage” on the roof of that speeding car!

Collins knows no “cage” was involved—but her claim made the story work better! Liberal commenters thanked her, as always, for pleasuring them in such ways. (See THE DAILY HOWLER, 5/18/02.)

For reasons she has never quite explained, Collins is drawn to Romney’s dog as Ahab was once drawn to that whale. She has been retelling this tale since 2007, when Hector was a pup.

Needless to say, we liberals aren't alone in the practice Collins has perfected. Conservatives love reciting embellished tales about Democrats’ troubling character problems. That said, few writers have told an embellished tale as many times as Collins.

This brings us to a stirring story Collins’ readers will never be asked to read. We refer to the time Mitt Romney rescued a dog! Along with six adult humans!

It happened in 2003. A Scottish terrier was drowning, in a very large, very deep lake. The facts of the case were widely reported, but the sociopathic Boston Globe tended to overlook the rescue of the dog.

The Boston Herald’s Elisabeth Beardsley told that part of the story best:

BEARDSLEY (7/6/03): Gov. Mitt Romney rode to the rescue over the weekend during a vacation trip—using his Jet Ski to help pluck a New Jersey family and their dog out of Lake Winnipesaukee after their boat sank.

The drama began at about 8:30 p.m. Saturday, as Romney and his family were relaxing at their lakeside summer home in Wolfeboro, N.H.

Gubernatorial son Josh Romney told the Herald yesterday that he and brother Craig were cleaning the beach while their father puttered in the garage when the quiet night air was pierced with screams.

"We heard a whole bunch of screaming," said Josh Romney, who immediately hopped onto his Jet Ski. "We tore out of there and my dad hopped on the other Jet Ski and came out right after us."

Roughly 300 yards out onto the lake, six adult family members and their dog were floundering in the water, after their boat suddenly sprung a huge leak—sinking in less than 90 seconds, Josh said.

A Scottish terrier was in the water, along with six humans. As she continued, Beardsley described the rescue of McKenzie, the "waterlogged pooch:"

BEARDSLEY (continuing directly): While water temperatures were a balmy 75 degrees, the deepening darkness obscured other boaters' vision—prompting the victims' terrified howls as they were buzzed by other vessels cruising in the entrance to Wolfeboro Bay.

Chasing fleeting glimpses of "bobbling heads" in the water, the Romney trio arrived on their two Jet Skis to find three women and three men, wearing lifejackets they hadn't even had time to buckle.

The governor pulled the two younger women aboard his three-seater jet ski and zoomed back to shore, while his sons helped the mother of the family onto their vehicle.

In the middle of the rescue, the governor actually took a dunking himself—thrown off the Jet Ski as one anxious boater scrambled aboard and tipped the craft off-balance.

The rescuing Romneys also managed to snatch the family dog, McKenzie, from a watery grave—grabbing the Scottish terrier first because it was the only passenger without a lifejacket.

"It looked like it wasn't going to last much longer," said Josh, who held the waterlogged pooch on the ride back to shore.

With Josh and Craig hovering nearby, the three men treaded water until the governor returned and made two more trips to ferry them back.

You’re right—it was one of his sons, not Romney himself, who went to the trouble of saving McKenzie. As such, we liberals get to retain our belief in Romney’s sociopathic attitudes toward dogs.

But here’s the good news! Over the years, many of Collins’ suggestible readers have wondered if the treatment of Seamus scarred the Romney sons for life. Good news! Dad is a socio, but at least one son isn’t, this overlooked story suggests.

That said, you will never read this story in Collins’ waste-of-time column. Yes, it would be a good way to kill time. But lazy tribal pundits aren’t like that.

Also this! President Kennedy scores with the teen: Then too, there's the recent story about the president we liberals tend to adore.

A few weeks ago, we finally read Mimi Alford’s account of the way she was procured, then “deflowered,” by our much-beloved liberal president. The story is told in Alford’s recent book, Once Upon A Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and Its Aftermath.

We strongly recommend Alford’s book. For our money, her account of the events in question is one of the most interesting narrations we’ve ever read. No, she isn’t especially accusatory in what she writes. The emotional balance of her narration is what makes her story so novel.

But make no mistake. According to Alford, she was scoped, then procured by Kennedy’s top aide. After a noon-time audition in the pool, she was racked up that night by the president. The conduct described is truly astounding—and no one really doubts that it happened.

For the record, it was Alford’s fourth day on the job! Also: Kennedy wasn’t in high school at the time, though Alford was just 19. She had been kissed by only one boy by the end of high school, she says.

In the past week, we liberals have enjoyed ourselves, wondering if Romney’s a sociopath based on some unpleasant things he did when he was in high school.

Is Romney a sociopath? He certainly could be! But even as we go after Mitt, we tend to venerate our own liberal president. Go ahead! We would suggest that you read Alford’s account of something he did at age 45!

We liberals like to mock The Others for the ridiculous ways they reason. But this is the way our tribe sometimes reasons:

Despite his conduct at age 45, Kennedy was one of our greatest presidents. But because of his conduct at age 18, Romney’s unfit for the office!

Final point: Despite her love for this sort of tale, Collins hasn’t mentioned Alford’s book. She may have forgotten to read it.

And there's more!

Despite her long-running journalistic amour tour, Maureen Dowd hasn’t mentioned Alford either! And she lives in one of Dear Jack’s former homes!

Even among our brightest leaders, the ways of the world can be strange.