Rational animals wallow: In a moment of pique, we said that we were going to do this. With our vast moral greatness, we will.
Warning! What follows is coming to you, live and direct, from the "reimagined" Page A3 in today's New York Times. (Hard copy editions only.)
What are the cultural horizons of our tribe's smartest newspaper? Yesterday brought some troubling news. But on Page A3 of this morning's Times, this was the Quote of the Day:
Quote of the DayThat was yesterday's top quote! For full background, click here.
“I don’t mind someone having a snack. A full-on subway meal or a roast chicken, leaving the bones all over the place, isn’t acceptable.”
ANDY BYFORD, president of the New York City Transit Authority, on the limits of eating on the go.
That was Page A3's key quote. At the top of the page, in the Of Interest feature, the editors listed seven "noteworthy facts."
Below, you see the first three entries. Not a word has been changed:
Of InterestYou're right! However those facts might be described, they don't seem highly "noteworthy." Nor did it get much better from there. This was the seventh such fact:
NOTEWORTHY FACTS FROM TODAY'S PAPER
A headless ghost of a worker decapitated during the Brooklyn Bridge’s construction is also said to haunt the area. (No word on sightings of the five gray aliens that a woman said abducted her nearby in 1989.)
As we age, muscles and other supportive tissues around the eye relax. That, paired with waning elasticity in the skin, causes fat that was once at deeper levels to migrate to the surface, causing eyelid bags.
The messaging app WhatsApp says that there are six people in the average group.
Of InterestAs presented, that might qualify as a slightly mystifying fact.
NOTEWORTHY FACTS FROM TODAY'S PAPER
In a report this summer, the European Food Safety Authority concluded that “there is no evidence that large fences have been effective for the containment of wild suids,” using a word for the pig animal family.
(For the record, today's Of Interest feature contains a cartoon. We don't know which of the seven facts it's intended to illustrate.)
We'll close you out with today's Spotlight feature. This is what it says:
SpotlightThere follows a photograph and a Tiny Love Story. (The writer's last name is "Bliss.") It comes to us as part of a new Modern Love project!
STORIES FROM OUR READERS
Tiny Love Stories, a new Modern Love project, asks contributors to share their epic love stories in 100 words or less. This week's batch of micro-nonfiction includes five tales of separate vacations, public-transit aficionados and other romantic gains and losses. Read one here:
In this, our liberal tribe's greatest newspaper, the wars against the Clintons and Gore began in early 1992 in a series of bungled, front-page Whitewater "news reports."
Those wars have never ended. Michelle Cottle continued the war against Hillary Clinton in her recent Sunday Review recitation. (More on that still to come.)
As of now, these endless journalistic wars have served to elect George W. Bush in 2000 and Donald J. Trump in 2016, with perhaps one more term to follow.
Children are dead all over Iraq just from this paper's ugly, monstrously stupid behavior in 1999 and 2000. When you find yourself discussing how dumb The Others so amazingly are, try to remember that our own admittedly brilliant tribe has endlessly swallowed this mountain of cant from these high-ranking rational animals for the past 26 years.
"Creeping Dowdism," Katherine Boo said. We self-impressed, highly rational animals chose to just keep on truckin'.