TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2020
Why we aren't well-liked: Sad to say, the New York Times completely missed the memo.
Reigning first lady Melania Trump had decorated the White House for Christmas again! Inexplicably, the New York Times' Steven Kurutz—who died and him tinsel critic?—offered a weirdly off-message review.
Insultingly, the essay appeared in print editions under a non-insulting headline. We'll expose you to that headline tomorrow. Puzzlingly, the actual essay started off like this:
KURUTZ (12/3/20): The first lady has overseen holiday decorations at the White House since 1961, when Jacqueline Kennedy hung ornaments of toys, birds and angels themed to “The Nutcracker” ballet on a Christmas tree in the Blue Room. This year was no different.
In a one-minute video posted to Twitter on Monday, Melania Trump unveiled this year’s theme, “America the Beautiful,” which she translated as green trees decorated with red, gold and silver ornaments and white lights, a style so traditional that it could grace the cover of Martha Stewart Living. The East Colonnade this year features simple black urns holding plumes of foliage and greenery from each state and territory.
The bold aesthetic choices that drew so much flak and snarky memes in Christmases past are noticeably absent. There are no blood-red trees, as there were in 2018, which various news outlets called “creepy” and “deeply haunted.” There is nothing akin to the icy, underlit branches of 2017 that turned the East Colonnade into what some likened to a barren, dystopian landscape.
This is Mrs. Trump’s last Christmas at the White House as first lady, and if her tree trimmings seem unimpeachable by design, that may be the point...
Insultingly, Kurutz referred to Attacks on Christmas Decorations Past as "snarky" examples of "flak." Stunningly, he refused to use terms like "creepy" and "haunted" as he described the first lady's current Xmas offense.
How off-message was the Times on this one occasion? To what extent had the newspaper missed the message which had been sent and received all through the streets of Our Town?
How ridiculous, how inappropriate, was the Times' review? It was so bad that Kurutz's essay still sits beneath this pair of headlines online:
The White House Christmas Decorations Look Strikingly Normal
Blood-red trees these are not.
The Christmas decorations look strikingly normal! No really—that's what it says!
Elsewhere, responsible citizens of our town knew what they were expected to say about this annual topic. Inevitably, MSNBC managed to find the dumbest hook, and thereby to present the dumbest possible headline:
MSNBC: Why is Melania Trump doing 'Christmas stuff' with Covid surging?
Elsewhere, the children all knew which carols they should be singing. Over at Slate, readers clicked on the headline shown below. When they did, they discovered that they'd been Schwedeled:
Slate: Famed Christmas Witch Melania Trump Delivers Her Most Unlikely Holiday Display Yet
Schwedel added Halloween imagery! That was much more like it!
As always at this time of the year. the children strolled the streets of our town, all singing the seasonal songs. In our town (as in many others), we like it best when we all choose to sing the same songs.
We love it when we all sing alike. Here are the headlines found at three of our town's sites:
The Washingtonian: Melania Trump’s Christmas Decorations, Ranked
New York Magazine: Melania’s Christmases, Ranked from Most to Least HauntedMashable: Melania's f*cking Christmas decorations, ranked
These are highly trainable children. As for their editors, they are strongly inclined to copy each other's work, and how they love rankings and lists!
By this, The Year of The Covid, trashing the first lady's Christmas decorations had become a Yule tradition. For that reason, our children have been wandering the streets of our town, all singing our town's dumbest songs.
According to experts, these children have been been displaying their dumbness, even their meanness, as they engage in this practice. According to experts, this helps explains why we in Our Town quite often just aren't real well-liked.
The New York Times had missed the memo about Melani's decs! Elsewhere, everybody in our town was reciting as planned.
At the Washington Post, four columnists—count 'em, four!—stood in line to write the exact same column. Zombified people are found in Our Town, and others can often see this.
Tomorrow: Werewolves of Christmas, ah-ooh!
(Givhan and Roberts and Hesse oh my! After them, Petri also!)