BATTLES: The battles are fought by people like these!

THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 2026

Gutfeld's medical specialists: James Talarico is 36. If anything, he may look somewhat younger.  

Adjusting for age, he strikes us as an obvious high achiever. Yesterday, we turned to the leading authority on his career for this assortment of basics: 

James Talarico

James Dell Talarico (born May 17, 1989) is an American politician, Presbyterian seminarian, and former educator who has served since 2018 as a member of the Texas House of Representatives. Talarico is the Democratic nominee for the 2026 U.S. Senate election in Texas...

Talarico graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a Bachelor of Arts in government. He later joined Teach For America, where he taught sixth-grade English language arts in San Antonio. Afterward, he served as the Central Texas executive director for Reasoning Mind, a nonprofit focused on bringing technology to low-income classrooms. He later graduated from Harvard University with a Master of Education degree in education policy.

Talarico serves as vice chair of two bodies in the Texas House: the Trade, Workforce, and Economic Development Committee and the Subcommittee on Academic and Career-Oriented Education under the Public Education Committee. He also serves on the Public Education Committee and the House Administration Committee. 

[...]

Talarico's maternal grandfather was a Baptist preacher in South Texas who Talarico says taught him that Christianity "is a simple—though not easy—religion, rooted in two commandments: 'Love God and love your neighbor.' " 

At age 36, Talarico "is the Democratic nominee for the 2026 U.S. Senate election in Texas!" Like President Clinton before him—They rarely voted for me, but you'll never meet a finer bunch of people than the Arkansas Pentecostals—he knows how to talk about Christianity, as a Democrat, to a southern red state audience. 

At age 36, he's the Democratic nominee for the Texas Senate seat! We'll take it as obvious that certain Red American elites are afraid he could possibly win. 

We don't know if Talarico really can possibly win. That said, we'll take it as obvious that such fears explain what happened on Tuesday's edition of The Five, where the candidate was compared first to a deranged mass murderer / sexual pervert, then to the lunatic leader(s) of one or two lunatic cults. 

Those astounding comparisons were given voice by a pair of people we regard as rather strange—by Greg Gutfeld, age 61, but also by Emily Compagno, age 46. 

In the main, we're inclined to regard Gutfeld and Compagno as corporate messenger children for the profit-seeking Fox News Channel. Setting that impression aside, we'll offer this assessment with a high degree of confidence: 

Judged by any traditional standard, Gutfeld and Compagno belong on this nation's most-watched "cable news" program in much the way we should be hired as artistic director for Moscow's Bolshoi Ballet. 

We don't think they belong in their posts; others find their behaviors refreshing. Today, let's offer two quick examples of what those behaviors tend to be. 

Quickly, we'll start with the Christianity. Concerning the southern border, Talarico said this in a Democratic debate back at the start of the year: 

So, my family is from the border. My mom grew up in Laredo, Texas. I feel like Texans understand this issue of immigration more so than people in other states, because we live with it, both the benefits and the challenges. 

So, what I have said is that our southern border should be like our front porch. There should be a giant welcome mat out front and a lock on the door.

We can welcome immigrants who want to live the American dream, we can build a pathway to citizenship for those neighbors who have been here making us richer and stronger, and we can keep out people who mean to do us harm.

So said Talarico—unless you watch the Fox News Channel, in which case he said something quite different:

On March 3, Talarico won the Democratic Party's nomination for the Texas Senate seat. Two days later, right there on The Five, Dana Perino, age 53, introduced a doctored bit of videotape in which Talarico was shown saying this:

Our southern border should be like our front porch. There should be a giant welcome mat out front.

Full stop! The Fox News Channel had disappeared the part of his statement about having a lock on the door!

In fairness to Perino, she probably didn't know that her corporate owners had created a doctored bit of tape. Also, the pay can be extremely good at the "news channel" where Perino is cast, on this nation's top-rated show, as the co-host who isn't nuts.

(For a fuller account of the doctoring of Talarico's statement, see this fact check by AFP—by Agence France-Presse. Needless to say, Elon Musk, age 54, is part of this pathetic story. Somewhat instructively, we had to travel across the pond to find a formal fact-check of this pathetic misconduct.)

We'll assume that Perino didn't know that Talarico's statement had been doctored. We'll assume that Gutfeld and Compagno are unaware of this matter too.

There's no real assumption, on a show like The Five, that the four pro-MAGA co-hosts have any idea what they're talking about. With that, we move on to this:

With apologies, we're going to cite some conduct we regard as ugly and destructive, but also as deeply stupid. With apologies, we're going to take you on a brief trip inside Gutfeld's mind.

We'll start with Monday night's (primetime) Gutfeld! program. As always, the gentleman started with a few minutes of "jokes."

Most simply put, the fellow simply can't seem to quit a certain type of loathing. With apologies:

At 10:03, his final "joke" went exactly like this:

GUTFELD (3/16/26): And finally, the Best Picture [Oscar] went to One Battle After Another.

And no, that's not the name of the documentary about Rosie and her gynecologist.

In such ways, this undisguised nutcase conducts his own disordered battles everywhere all at once. Last night, at 10:03, he shoved his grimy little nose where it doesn't belong once again:

GUTFELD (3/18/26): And finally, comedian Chelsea Handler says that the house that she bought from RFK Jr. was deemed "toxic and unlivable." 

Which are the same words used by her gynecologist.

The man is 61 years old! Except for its effect on the world, we regard this as sad and pathetic. 

Simply put, he just can't seem to quit this general practice! On Tuesday night, no gynecologists were mentioned. But in his first three minutes of jokes, he compared Michelle Obama to a horse; he complained about Rosie O'Donnell's unbelievably hairy back; and he told us what President Macron thinks about his wife's penis.

We've advised you to pity the child. Let's return to our starting place:

On Tuesday's edition of The Five, this same person said he gets "Ted Bundy vibes" from the vastly more accomplished Talarico. Moments later, Compagno described Talarico as "a terrifying child" who makes her think of David Koresh—and, apparently, of this second cult leader.

Over the next few days, we're going to post fuller transcripts of what these two people said about Talarico. We think a record should be created for future generations, assuming such people are going to exist.

That said:

All around the ramparts of Blue America, the strange behavior of people like Gutfeld and Compagno is met by complete, total silence. We leave you today with a question:

Whose behavior is stranger, uglier, less excusable? The behavior of the peculiar people who play the game the Fox News Channel way? Or the behavior of the self-impressed Blue elites who insist on averting their gaze?

("Thank you, silence," Alanis Morissette said. We don't think she meant this.)

Tomorrow or Saturday: What Gutfeld and Compagno said, not that anyone cares

Additional bonus language: Within the context of the song and the larger body of early work, we regard this as profound implied advice:

Thank you, India
Thank you, terror
Thank you, disillusionment
Thank you, frailty
Thank you, consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence

"You learn," this youthful seer also said. People, where in the world did that very bright person ever get that idea?