Campaign watch: D. C. Madam augments big star's lurid sex tapes!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2016

Big cable star devolves further: For whatever reason, MSNBC hasn't gotten around to posting last night's transcript from its top-rated program.

The transcript from Hardball is posted. The transcript from the Hayes show is posted. This top-rated program is not.

Is MSNBC too embarrassed to post this transcript? If so, we'd have to salute them. The show is hosted by a big cable star who has been filling the air with "soul sucking" content of late. if we might use her own term.

Last night, she started her program with an apology for her recent subject matter. It turns out that this big cable star has been making it hard for viewers to keep their food down.

The big star spent several minutes apologizing for the cesspool she's been creating. We thought her apology was so remarkable—and her overall program was so deranged—that we decided to transcribe it ourselves:

BIG CABLE STAR (3/29/16): We have been covering this story out of Alabama recently, where the family values, sanctity of marriage, far right Republican governor in that state, he may ultimately end up getting turfed out of office after extensive and increasingly lurid details have been made public about him having an affair of some kind with one of his senior staffers.

Governor Robert Bentley in Alabama has simultaneously apologized for his behavior in that relationship. He's also denied that anything physical ever happened in that relationship.

But now, because of that very specific denial from him, that nothing physical ever happened, because of that, the very specific language and the anatomical descriptions of behavior that can be found in Governor Robert Bentley's phone sex tapes, those details have now become really specifically newsworthy, both in Alabama and for the rest of us in the country in terms of reporting out and trying to figure out whether that red state governor is going to resign, or get impeached, or maybe somehow stay in office despite all of this.

And so in reporting on that Alabama story, we have been playing Alabama Governor Robert Bentley's phone sex tapes here on the show, here on the news, over and over again. Which admittedly is weird, even though I firmly believe it is newsworthy and important.

That said, since we have been covering this Bob Bentley story in Alabama, we have heard from a few viewers who have explained rather patiently that they like to eat dinner while watching this show and our coverage of this Alabama story is making that difficult.

Turns out Governor Robert Bentley's hubba-hubba, bunga-bunga talk is spoiling a lot of people's appetites. So I'm sorry about that.

That said, tonight we do have what I think is kind of an important update on that Alabama story. But because of these concerns that have been voiced to us, tonight we're going to put off that Alabama story until the very end of this hour, specifically so y'all can have some time to digest before we get to it.

You're welcome.

This cable star apologized for spoiling viewers' appetites. You can hear the hacks laughing at times as she did. She failed to apologize for destroying her viewers' brain cells and degrading their lives.

For the record, the "lurid details" on those "anatomical" "phone sex tapes" aren't all that lurid or anatomical, except to the tortured, devolving mind of this cable star, who has been nicknamed The Nun.

(In fairness, the word "breasts" is used at one point on the tape, and "breast" is a dirty word. Also in fairness, very few actual nuns are this deranged at this point in time.)

At any rate, this big cable star made an announcement. She would hold her Alabama "phone sex" report until the end of her program. Having made that announcement, what did she start her program with instead?

What else? She proceeded to air a pointless, 17-minute segment about the possible contents of the little black book of the so-called "D.C. Madam," an unfortunate person who took her own life in May 2008. The cable star apparently felt that this would help dinner slide down, as opposed to those lurid sex tapes!

How crazy is this big cable star? Her second and third segments last night dealt with the assault charge against Candidate Trump's campaign manager. Crazily, she decided to start her discussion like this:

BIG CABLE STAR: So it was May 2014, right smack dab in the middle of a contentious Republican primary race in Mississippi, when suddenly this fairly awful headline popped up in the local paper, in the Clarion-Ledger.

Quote, "Man arrested for sneaking into Senator Thad Cochran's wife's nursing home."

Three Tea Party guys in Mississippi were arrested for a scheme that involved taking pictures of Senator Thad Cochran's elderly ailing wife as she laid asleep in the nursing home she has lived in for the past fifteen years.

That's gross. [Nervous laugh]

If there was a silver lining to that grossness at the time, it was that the pictures they surreptitiously took of that elderly woman in a nursing home, those images never got into wide circulation. But it wasn't for lack of trying. Particularly by one fringe-y figure in a far-right corner of the very far right media, a man who offered a thousand dollars for any photo of Thad Cochran's wife in the nursing home.

Quote, "I will publish it."

That tickly feeling you now feel in the back of your throat is your decency trying to escape your body and get some fresh air.

We're familiar with that tickly feeling. It's the feeling we get when we enter the sewer this big cable star increasingly offers in place of a cable news program. Is there any way, any way at all, Ken Starr can fill in as guest host?

This big cable star apologized for her program's recent sleazy content all through last evening's program. That said, the major star had herself quite a night. After apologizing for playing those lurid tapes "over and over again," she spent an entire segment on the D.C. Madam, then decided to stick her long nose inside that nursing home.

Yet to come was the pointless segment she would air at the end of the show. We refer to her pointless segment about those lurid "phone sex tapes," a segment built around her description of various "unconfirmed reports."

This big cable star seems to have some sort of hole in her soul, or perhaps just in her very tribal head. Just in one night, she built a segment around the enduring thrill of the D. C. Madam. She stuck her long nose into the nursing home of a Southern red senator's wife, then thrilled us again with her prurient thoughts about those lurid, SALACIOUS and anatomical tapes of a Southern red governor. That tickly feeling is the feeling of your culture dying.

We've said that her corporate bosses should possibly get this big star some help. We've also said the odds are good that her corporate bosses simply won't care as long as her ratings hold up.

If you watch only one tape this week: If you watch only one tape this week, we think you should watch this one-minute tape of this big cable star. It comes from last night's program.

Go ahead! This one minute wasn't salacious last night! You'll be treated to a parade of wonderfully rolled R's!

That said, this star is desperate for your attention on that ridiculous tape. She's screaming for you to notice her, or possibly for her corporate bosses to possibly get her some help.