CHARADES: He "sees no topic as off-limits?"

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2025

That's part of the current charade: Certs was widely known to be a breath mint. But Certs was also a candy mint.

As the leading authority on the subject explains, everyone knew that at one time. That said, it doesn't work that way with the Gutfeld! program.

The host of the show is the cover boy of the current edition of Variety. Inside the authoritative publication, he's also the subject of a lengthy profile by Tatania Siegel. 

That said:

No, Tatania! Gutfeld's program isn't a late night show. It also isn't a comedy show. 

In fact, Gutfeld! is a primetime show. It's also a primetime show on a "cable news" channel. But what Gutfeld! is, more than anything else, is a corporate propaganda show—a program devoted to advancing the political messaging of its host's owner, the Fox News Channel.

According to Siegel, the host of that show—the 60-year-old Greg Gutfeld—is currently paid $9 million per year by that powerhouse "cable news" channel. Even in these latter days, a "cable news" outfit can get a lot of value for that expenditure, which Siegel describes as a bargain.

At various points in her lengthy puff piece, Siegel describes this extremely peculiar TV figure as "the king of late night." By definition, Gutfeld can't be that. 

Along the way, she also describes Gutfeld as "the nasal-voiced shit-stirrer who sees no topic as off-limits," but also as "the cable news star who has zero fucks to give (or a carefully curated rebel persona)."

That first description is absurdly inaccurate. In fact, a wide assortment of basic topics will never be discussed on this imitation of a human TV program.

Simply put, the Gutfeld! program operates in much the way other Fox News Channel programs do. Unfortunately, programs on MSNBC frequently operated in a similar way during the Biden years.

As we noted yesterday, the Gutfeld! program is highly selective about which topics its rotating cast of guests will discuss. The program also selects its guests in such a way that no one will ever disagree with the views of its furious host.

Thanks to this twin process of sifting, none of this program's guests will ever challenge, question or contradict the basic tenets of Fox News Channel political messaging. That said, hold on—there's more!

Gutfeld's eponymous weeknight program is telecast at 10 p.m. Eastern (at 7 p.m. on the coast). Five hours earlier, he also serves, on a daily basis, as co-host of The Five, the top-rated program in the wilderness known as American "cable news."

The Five features five co-hosts, or possibly there are just four. Along the way, Siegel describes Gutfeld's role on that powerhouse program:  

How Greg Gutfeld Became the Bill Maher of Fox News—And Toppled Fallon and Colbert in the Ratings

[...]

Gutfeld may be a novel phenomenon to some. But to a sizable and growing portion of the Fox News audience, he’s the man of the moment...His sardonic, blunt takedowns have carried him so far that it’s easy to forget that Fox News, historically, has thrived when playing the role of loyal opposition to those in power. Now, though, Gutfeld flits from late night to daytime (as co-host of current events show “The Five”) with gravity-defying ease.

[...]

“The Five,” which plays like the upside-down version of “The View,” is a ratings powerhouse. The show became the first non-primetime cable program to rank No. 1 for four consecutive years. Its viewership is nearly triple the cable news competition combined in the 5 p.m. slot. Back in 2011, the late Fox News chief Roger Ailes felt that “The Five” needed comic relief and designated Gutfeld to deliver the laughs.

According to Siegel, Ailes added Gutfeld to the mix at The Five to provide "needed comic relief."  Today, Gutfeld routinely engages in towel-snapping, bromantic banter with resident sillybill Jesse Watters, one of the program's other co-hosts. But he mainly serves as the purported intellectual heavyweight on the powehouse program.

Long ago and far away—way back in May 1987—Michael Kinsley famously described the 39-year-old Senator Al Gore as "an old person's idea of a young person." He did so in this opinion column in the Washington Post.

It's a bit like that with Gutfeld. In his role on The Five, he seems to serve as an unintelligent person's idea of a person who's very smart.

Routinely, the other three (or four) co-hosts throw to Gutfeld during one of the program's gong-show pseudo-discussions. He then launches one of lengthy, baffling disquisitions on whatever topic has been judged to be suitable for pseudo-discussion that day. 

The other co-hosts enter a somnambulistic state as Gutfeld drones on and on with his baffling theoretics. When his oration finally ends, Gutfeld tends to revert to some towel-snapping with the aforementioned Watters while the other co-hosts permissively chuckle and smile.

That said, are there four other co-hosts, or is the number really three?  It's pretty much as you count it! 

At one time, the program may have gained some "comic relief" with the insertion of Gutfeld. Today, the program acquires a bit of frisson from the alleged inclusion of one co-host who will supposedly state the views of a remarkably uniform group routinely described as "The Left."

On most days, that thankless task falls to one of two players—to Harold Ford or to Jessica Tarlov. In the aftermath of President Trump's election, Ford has almost wholly walked away from that putative task. Essentially, Ford now serves as a fifth pro-Trump co-host, one who sometimes seems to be even more pro-Trump than the official pro-Trump co-hosts are.

When Tarlov sits in the Blue America chair, that air of frisson may survive. Tarlov has also slowed her roll since last November's election, but she sometimes pipes up with an awkwardly convincing point which contradicts the pre-approved view which the other four hosts have agreed on.

When she does, the other co-hosts rise as one to overtalk her. This is the way pseudo-discussion is now fashioned on the most-watched propaganda program in this failing nation's round-the-clock universe of so-called "cable news."

Five hours later, the remarkably coarse tone of the Gutfeld! program suddenly arrives on the air. The host's apparent misogyny is undisguised, as is the furious, frequently ugly pushback against what once would have seemed to be widely accepted rules of public decorum.

Judged by pre-existing norms, the pushback is frequently remarkably ugly but also remarkably stupid and strange. ugly. Liberal women are routinely denounced for allegedly being too fat—for resembling horses, cows, elephants, pigs, very large dogs and the occasionally whale. Such women are also routinely denounced for allegedly having used way too much Botox, or for allegedly having had too many facelifts.

The astonishing women of the Fox News Channel lounge permissively about as these remarkable insults are delivered. This is the realm of the "night assault," but also of vast and furious cultural pushback with respect to gender norms.

Siegel somehow managed to miss this aspect of this remarkably aggressive (prime time) propaganda program. As we noted yesterday, she only allowed herself to offer such pseudo-observations as these:

When Gutfeld surveys the broader comedy field, he’s unimpressed. He struggles to name a host he finds funny outside of [Bill] Maher and Joe Rogan. 

[...]

The election proved that some of those “other guys” no longer are influential. Democratic nominee Kamala Harris opted to sit down with Howard Stern on SiriusXM, thinking his audience of white men could help tip the election in her favor. But for better or for worse, Stern was more relevant when he was a shameless misogynist who fixated on porn stars.

Stern was once "a shameless misogynist"—but somehow, Gutfeld isn't! This is all she allowed herself to tell Variety's readers about the people he chooses to rib:

Gutfeld differs significantly from the [late night comedy] field in tone. After Fallon expressed regret over having Donald Trump on as a guest in 2016 and tousling his hair, he now mostly avoids the polarizing president in his monologues, while Colbert and Meyers have gone all-in on #Resistance humor. Most stick to the Carson format of a celebrity guest promoting a new project. “Gutfeld!” is a closer match to Bill Maher’s old ABC show “Politically Incorrect,” with co-hosts Kat Timpf and Tyrus helping to anchor conversations that frequently rib the obese, the easily triggered and the hosts of “The View.”

Gutfeld frequently "ribs the obese," Siegel's readers are told. He also ribs "the easily triggered." 

That may include people who found it amazingly strange when he asked, on at least three separate occasions last year, if Hunter Biden had started "banging" or even "f*cking" first lady Jill Biden yet. And yes, this nutcase actually did that, as we reported three separate times right here at this site, providing links to the tape on each occasion.

In short, a "night assault" is under way—an assault on certain conventional norms and values. As with some other publications, Variety is averting its gaze.

Gutfeld's program isn't a breath mint, and it isn't a candy mint. Also, it isn't a comedy show, and it isn't a creature of "late night." 

You can call it "Jackson," or you can call it "Johnson." But this is what it is:

Technically, Gutfeld! is a primetime show on a "news" channel. In reality, it's a propaganda program—a program which exists to advance the political messaging of its corporate owner. 

According to Siegel, Gutfeld is paid $9 million per year to perform that task.

You'll only see certain topics discussed on the Gutfeld! program. The various guests have all been selected to eliminate the possibility that anyone will ever question or challenge the views of the weirdly angry host.

Also, the program's rotating panel of guests is routinely made up of obvious policy flyweights. On this primetime "news" program, D-list comedians are invited to state their views on various issues, with everyone knowing that their views must always match those of the host.

In fairness, some of this angry nutball's views are built on perfectly reasonable foundations. Some of this furious nutball's views strike us as flatly correct.

It's the fury of his "night assault" which makes this program an act of war. Siegel wasn't willing or able to say that. Tomorrow, we'll strive for a bit more detail.

We close with further information about a certain famous mint. Eventually, the leading authority on the dual-purpose near-lozenge gives us the dope on cows:

Advertising

In the 1960s and 1970s, Certs was heavily advertised on American television with a famous campaign featuring two attractive young people earnestly arguing over the proper classification of the mints. The one participant would assert, "It’s a breath mint!" The other would assay a rebuttal by stating, "It’s a candy mint!" This taxonomic dilemma would finally be resolved by the unseen announcer, who would achieve synthesis by explaining that Certs was "Two, two, two mints in one!" 

Saturday Night Live lampooned the ads with a fictitious product called "Shimmer," with Gilda Radner's argument "It's a floor wax!" vs. Dan Aykroyd's "It's a dessert topping, you cow!" being resolved by announcer Chevy Chase's declaration that "New Shimmer's a floor wax and a dessert topping!"

Full disclosure! When Aykroyd assailed Radner as "a cow," it was understood to be a type of parody. 

The Gutfeld! program isn't like that. Today, such insults are a staple of this extremely strange program, though these astonishing insults are only aimed at women from "The Left."

That said, the complexification was general with respect to Certs. As you'll see below, a taxonomic dilemma eventually had to be played out in federal court.

Today, we Americans long for simple stories, thanks to the ubiquity of such complexities as this:

In 1999, the United States Customs Service classified Certs as a candy mint for tariff purposes, since candy was taxed differently from oral hygiene products. In the ensuing suit before the United States Court of International Trade, Cadbury introduced expert testimony that Certs stimulate the flow of saliva, thus flushing bad odors from the mouth, and that its flavors and oils mask bad breath. But the court ruled that, since Certs did not contain anti-bacterial ingredients, they were, indeed, simply a candy mint. This ruling was, however, overturned at the Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit, making Certs legally a breath mint.

Today, we Americans long for simple stories. "The star who has zero fucks to give" provides that service to Red America, with plenty of insults thrown in.

Tomorrow: "Silence [has] invaded the suburbs" concerning the Gutfeld! show